Category: Uncategorized

moving

moving represents so many things.

I hate to move.

Yet in this season in my life with a new job, which requires me to be so much closer instead of so far away, I am moving.

And I’m growing. This is the first time I’ve ever done any of this all by myself. And although I am often overwhelmed, I surprise myself when I realize I can do this. Alone.

This morning, I had to go purchase boxes so that I can pack up. I had already arranged for Salvation Army to come and pick up the donations that I have given them. My mom is coming in 10 days and she will be a huge help. But I’m still terrified.

yet it is the life that I chose. When I left a relationship that lasted nearly 40 years to be on my own, maybe I didn’t realize all that I was giving up and yet all that I was gaining? My independence and finding myself was worth it. It’s just now I realize I don’t have the muscles or the stamina needed to be alone. But that’s something that I can gain.

The good news is that I will be OK. I will manage and I will move on, and I will gain confidence in myself knowing that I don’t need anybody’s help. That should be empowering. And I need to remind myself of that during those times when I doubt myself and loneliness creeps in.

moving represents so many things.

loneliness

How does one explain the feeling of loneliness when surrounded by raising children and ball games and band concerts and chaos and homework and proms and graduations and moving trucks and college and letting go? 

The loneliness was understandable when they were gone and the letting go was done. Recognizing now that I could be a participant in the non-loneliest of times and yet be. so. lonely was just really really sad. 

Loneliness for me was never having anyone in my corner to back me up. I didn’t want a cheerleader as much as I needed a defender. Loneliness was needing someone to stick up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself.

I asked for it. I begged for it. But it didn’t come naturally, and I don’t think that’s something that can be taught. I think it’s something that must be innate when you love someone from a place so deep you cannot articulate it.

When asked why I love so deep and so hard when I have never been loved the same it is a simple answer. I never want anyone to feel as alone as me. 

If I have nothing left but my heart to give, please don’t take it lightly.

what if tomorrow never comes

what if tomorrow never comes. what if you knew that your life would end tomorrow.

what if you could say all the things you desperately wanted to say. to the ones you love and to the ones you despise. would you.

what would stop you. what if you had nothing to lose. would it matter. would it make a difference or would it only make you feel better.

what if there are things unsaid that you wish you could say and hope it would change. things. would you say it.

what holds us back from unconditional authenticity. when really, what have we got to lose from the very ones who love us unconditionally.

what if.

Sexagenarian

Life as a sexagenarian

I had no idea.

I had no idea that I had entered a decade as a sexagenarian. Those of us who are in our 60’s are called sexagenarians.

I wish I would have known sooner. Maybe I would’ve embraced it more.

40 years in one relationship. I was comfortable, he was comfortable, there were no expectations. In fact, there was nothing at all. There was nothing but complacency on both of our parts. I refuse to blame anyone but myself.

There came a time during the summer of 2022 where I realized we were not on the same page. Please understand, I will write this from my perspective, and my perspective only. I will not throw him under the bus. I will not speak for him.

We wanted different things. And when we were together, we were not making each other happy anymore. Again, I can’t speak for what he wanted but I can tell you that I wanted a career. I didn’t want to live in the country. I knew I was a city girl. My career was everything. And I knew I wanted to be a boss.

Separation was a difficult choice. But we spent nearly 15 months apart and it was during that time that I believe we both knew that this would never work. I can tell you that we decided to continue to parent together and to  Grandparent gracefully.

He didn’t pursue me and I didn’t reach out to him. We were complacent. I believe we were transparent about our feelings, and neither of us wanted more. 

It was not an easy decision. But it was the best decision that either of us could make for ourselves.

I come from a world where marriage lasts forever. So does he.

I come from world where divorce is a failure. So does he. 

And I come from a world where it’s not about deserving happiness. It’s about being committed. It’s about the family. It’s what is best for everyone. Except for yourself.

Making a decision that would affect family holidays, living situations, taxes, perception, and the possibility of no one supporting me was terrifying. But it was the kind of decision that if I didn’t make it now, would I ever?

Fortunately, for me, I had family support. My kids understood and loved me anyway.

So now here I am as a sexagenarian. When I left my husband, I made it perfectly clear that no one would see me unclothed, and I would never be in a physical relationship with anyone.

That lasted until the second date. 

But, it explains everything. I’m a sexagenarian. It’s OK.  My kids do not want to know this about me. My family does not want to know this about me so I’m begging their forgiveness and asking them to move on and read something else.

I’m a sexagenarian.

Enough said?

honey’s heart

olive.george

she was late making her entrance into this world. no surprise. her dad was late as well.

the good ones always make us wait.

that little punkydoodle changed my world.
my first foray into loving someone unconditionally was when i gave birth to my children.

but i had no idea that the gut wrenching Love i would have for that little bundle of energy would consume me. deeper than the deepest.

people say she looks like me. i even overheard her dad telling her mom last summer, the day i was teaching her how to swim, we were both wet and I heard him say oh my God she looks just like mom.

she calls me honey. she’s dramatic. and smart. and funny. maybe she acts like me more than she looks like me.

it’s been 18 weeks. she’s on a trip as she puts it. i miss her like crazy.

in 8 or 9 weeks she will turn 3.

oli.g

even though i miss her so much my heart hurts, i wouldn’t change a minute of being her honey.